Okay so I came here to do a normal ramble like I usually do, but today I'm honestly not feeling it. When I write it usually comes to me very quickly and I get this done in about 2-5 minutes. Today for some reason this is a process, so I think I'm going to make a quick update and keep it at that.

So I wrote last on August 15 explaining how I'm sick of being lazy and shit. Yeah it's been about 11 days... so not really 2 weeks yet, and I'm already having issues. Though I have got through those issues unlike I have done before. For me this is huge, because when I fall down, I have a tenancy to not get back up. I like to lay on the ground and wallow in my pain. Though right now that's not going to work, it hasn't worked and that's why I'm proud of myself for just moving forward with my life and not letting this get to me as bad.

I started working out that last Monday, and I will admit I haven't worked out for 30 minutes or more. I have actually been pushing myself and doing a lot more resistance training with my cardio then all the other times. Now why I started to do this was after watching a video from YouTube star Jenna Marbles. She was ranting on about how people look at her funny at the gym and what not. I'll post a link so you can just watch it yourself if you haven't seen it already:

Anyway got me thinking about the last 4 years and all my attempts of trying to become healthier and obviously skinnier, and toned. I figured well I've done all these things on no resistance... why don't I try to crank my resistance up and see how well that will go. So the past two weeks I've been running a little bit. Broke to my goal of running a quarter mile, which for me is kinda big because I have never been a distance runner. When I did run I was well known for speed and 500 meter dashes. So distance running is really difficult for me because I feel like maybe I try to push myself too much on the speed aspect. Then I also have been doing the elliptical, but instead of just going off of no resistance I've been pushing myself to 6-10 resistance. I have never worked my ass off so hard in just 12 minutes I burned 101 calories!

So in two weeks I have lost 6 pounds which is awesome. I know that not every two weeks I'll lose 6 pounds, sometimes it may be just 1 or 2. Sometimes I might not lose anything, but I know if I keep pushing and keep going I'm bound to do this and be successful. According to a weight loss calculator I should be 125 pounds by February 17, 2012. So just seeing how this is so close to my birthday makes me even more motivated. I honestly feel like this could be the best gift I could give to myself and I know I can do this!

Everyone Has to Start Somewhere... Right?

So you will never believe it... but I have had an epiphany. I assume that when people drink tea, they automatically get an epiphany. That's beside the point... Anywho I am sitting here currently drinking a Black Chai Tea, it has a nice flavor, but it isn't sweet enough. Might I add there's no cream in it, but it's still good. Now I don't want to ramble on about tea, cause honestly that is not why I came here to blog. Though tea makes for a great story right?

Well...

Before I made my nice cup of tea I actually got on a treadmill and started to exercise. Sadly, this is the first I have exercised all summer really, and I'll tell you why. This past May my great grandmother passed away. It was honestly quite shocking. This death was hard for me because this was someone that is family, but I really don't know her. You grow up watching so many shows and movies on death, and you see these people so upset because they never got to know that person like they wanted. The whole message is to spend time with those you love before they are gone. I guess for me it was one of those things that I just had to learn for myself.

So after she died I guess I just got a little depressed. I stopped exercising, I stopped doing a lot of things. I lost all motivation to do anything, I kinda lost myself. I know though deep down inside that my great grandma wouldn't want me to just mope around all day. I'm sure she would like to see me happy and do something for the better.

So continuing on to my story...

I haven't worked out in a long time. I used to run a lot as a teenager, in fact I ran A LOT. I ran at school, I ran in gym, I ran away from problems, I ran away from home. If there was one thing I was good at it was running. I also really enjoyed dancing, in fact I still enjoy it. I dance like no one is looking, which that's the only time I dance... When no one is looking. So I'd like to say I was pretty fit, always moving and looking sharp.

Though now it's not like that. I like to do nothing anymore. Literally nothing, dragging myself out of bed every morning just to find myself back in bed in about 30 mins. If I'm not in bed... I'm on the couch. I'm lazy, and I'm a little overweight. So here comes the big part:

Chapter One

MOTIVATION

When people ask me are you motivated, can you motivate yourself? I always answer yes, because I can motivate myself. The real question though is: Can you stay motivated? Now this answer is definitely a no. I start a lot of projects, and they all come out as a failed attempt. Especially if I don't continue at a regular basis. Yeah, you can expect that I'm not going to follow through. Sometimes I wonder how I made it though school, because I never made it though hair school, and most of my jobs. It's quite pathetic I will let you know.

So...

This is where the important part comes in this blog. I'm not going to force myself to write everyday, but I do want to write something at least two to four times a month. Just to keep updated. I trust that my friends and family who read this can help me follow through with this and keep me motivated. So I'm going to place some "Ground Rules":

1. Stay Positive - because I'm quite the pessimist and the world is always ending in my head. I don't know why, but it does.
2. Let People know my goals (which is what I am doing now) because what is better than having friends and family that support your goals
3. Set goals and stay motivated!

So what are my goals you ask? Well I want to lose some weight, and I would like to do this by my 21st birthday (February 8th). The reason this is my goal is because I am 20 years old, and since I was 15 I have been slightly overweight. In fact I'm going to tell a short story about myself if you haven't heard it already...

When I was 11 years old I had just barely moved to Medina Ohio and was going to be starting 6th grade. I was kinda the odd kid out because for me this was going to be my second year attending middle school because when I was in 5th grade living in North Royalton, Ohio I went to North Royalton Middle School. Strangely enough this wasn't odd in North Royalton, but in Medina 6th grade was your first year in middle school. So anyway, when I was 11 I went to A. I. Root Middle School and I developed an eating disorder. At the time I wasn't really sure why I wasn't eating, I just didn't. I realize that today I was more than likely doing it because eating was the only thing in my life that I could control. So from 2002 up until 2006 I barely ate. I was 109 pounds, frail, and honestly not healthy. I wont say that I miss being too skinny. I guess I just miss being skinny in general. In 2007 I was released from Cincinnati's Children's Hospital from the Psyche Ward. I was there due to several reasons, but while I was there I gained 21 pounds. Which made me 130. At the time I thought that was fat, but that's an anorexic mentality that I don't think will ever leave. Now I would kill to be 130 pounds. Anyway from by the end of 2007 I weighed 160 pounds. I basically gained an additional 30 pounds. To me this is extremely upsetting because all I wanted growing up was to be liked, and everyone knows that heavy girls aren't usually the popular ones.

So basically since I was 16 my weight has fluctuated between 130 and 175. Though I'm determined that I'm going to lose that weight and keep it off for good by developing a healthy lifestyle.

Also if you have read all of this, thank you. I hope that I can make this goal, and honestly I would be no where without the inspirational people in my life. I love my friends and family, and thanks for cheering me on through this all. I will keep this updated as I progress!

VogueXTC