Sixteen Candles

So just to kick today off I thought I would just start off where I was about 10 minutes ago, before I rolled out of bed to write this blog. Let me tell you though I am really tired and hope I don't pass out as I write this. But, I want to talk today about something that has been on my mind on and off since I was sixteen years old. I mentioned in an early post that my childhood wasn't the best I could have asked for, but I had one. Which brings me to why I have rolled out of bed to explain my current thoughts. So let the breakdown of my thoughts begin...

Ten Minutes Ago...

Upstairs there is a family, which consists of a mom, dad, and two sons. I wont mention their names cause I don't honestly feel that their names are important in the case of stating my emotions and opinions. Though the oldest son is celebrating his birthday today. It dawns on me on a random basis that my childhood is gone. Sometimes I feel jealousy toward other younger children, especially the ones smiling and having the times of their life. Now I don't assume their life is perfect or is better than mine. I do assume though being that they are clean, they look healthy and they are carrying a couple bags of clothes and a Build-a-Bear. Well I assume that their house is pretty normal.

I am now nineteen if you don't know this already. In a couple of months I will be twenty, and to me that means I'm an adult. I never considered myself an adult when I was eighteen as most do, because I still had the teen at the end of my number. This all changes in February, and to me I will officially be an adult. I find this fact to be a shock being as I always thought I was Peter Pan. "I'm never going to grow up!"

I had a psychologist tell me once that I was very mature for my age, and I once told her how I feel right now when I was seventeen. She looked me in the eyes and told me that most people don't realize this feeling until they are in their late twenties to thirties. I guess realizing something at such a young age is a good thing. Yes I get depressed by it, but I know I am still young enough to be a child again. Which goes to another topic...

Earlier Today...

Vanessa and I decide to go to Lagoon. For me it's pretty exciting cause I haven't really left the house that often since my car accident. Lagoon for me is a fun place and it brings me back to when my mom took me when I was younger. Lagoon isn't the best park in the world, it doesn't have some of the best rides in the country. Though what is doesn't lack is history, in both ways for the park and for the individual. Almost anyone who was born and raised in Utah has been there and has great memories there. I know I have a lot with my mom, but who wouldn't with a mom as awesome as mine. (Love ya mom!)

Anyway, I've made this new rule that when I go to Lagoon I have to ride the kiddie rides. Yeah I'm one of those people where parents stare at me weird and sometimes get upset cause their kid had to wait one person longer for the Dino-Drop. I guess I'm just trying to rewind time, make sure that I can hopefully fill in the blank memories of my childhood. So yeah, I rode Puff The Magic Dragon, Dino-Drop, Jumping Dragon, and maybe a couple other rides.

Honestly people it all comes down to living your life. You can be that parent who looks at me angry, or you can be that parent who looks at me and laughs. I'm sure there are even some of those people who look at me and wish they had the enthusiasm and just all around good spirt to do the things I do. Life is about two things: Making mistakes and learning from them, and having a little bit of fun every now and then. Who cares what people think of you. As I see it I don't know them, I don't care what is running through their mind. I have MY LIFE, and I can choose how I want to live it.

So I just want to thank Vanessa for being another one of those people who don't really care and just live it to the fullest. Without her there, or really anyone that was THAT close to me, I would have probably looked more like a psycho. With her it allows people to consider that maybe I am sane cause she is behaving in the same ways. Also to my mom, because without her I wouldn't be here today. She has helped me with a lot of tough stuff since I moved back to Utah, I'm sure without her love and support I would be hiding under a rock still.

VogueXTC

Infinity and Beyond

So here I stand, or rather sit where I usually do pondering my known existence into this world. A lot of people look at me in two separate categories. I'm usually really funny, outgoing, smart, and fun to be with. Rather than the other 50% of individuals who look at me and see a psychopathic, crazy, annoying person. I sometimes wonder how certain people get these outlooks. Quite honestly I don't really care how they look at me anymore. I realized a long time ago that I only needed myself and my own opinions to carry me through my day. So I guess you are wondering what todays subjects leads us to? The answer is:

∞

When I was younger I never really had a hard time grasping the concept of space. In fact I really liked learning about our planetary alignment and the general things they teach you in Elementary school. It didn't occur to me until a later age when they started to teach us there is more out there besides the Milky Way. In fact the Milky Way is just some small dot compared to the rest of space. In that moment I didn't like thinking there was more. In fact thinking of something going on forever boggles my mind. It puts me in such a vulnerable state that I feel like a three year old again. When most people think of space they think stars and the darkness. When I start to think about space I think mostly of darkness moving forth to being a white room. That white room has nothing in it, which is enough to drive anyone crazy. Sometimes thinking about space makes me feel like David After The Dentist. IS THIS REAL LIFE?

So alongside with space I have another thing that makes my head explode and that is constant repetition. It's not that it annoys me as much as it makes my head spin due to loosing sense of reality. Often I wonder if I'm losing myself. Maybe so far far that I will wake up in a padded room in a restraint bed. Repetition to me is like a broken record, and sometimes I wonder if that broken record will stop skipping for just two seconds to play a familiar melody to ease my mind. It doesn't matter in what form it is in as well. It could be so simple as in telling me to do something over and over again. Even something more complicated as in a white room with no sound.

After analyzing myself to such degree I wonder if I'm honestly insane. I mean if you think about it, the definition of insane is to repeat the same behavior repetitively expecting a different outcome. It kinda sounds like how my life plays out. The same senario over and over again, even though I hope that changing the X will come out with a different Y. It only makes common sense to me. I've learned though that this isn't true. I say this cause X is always the same, and it never did change.

So now that I have probably made your mind explode going into my thoughts I thought we would move on to what has make me crack this evening. Simple things can bring back past experiences. Imagine a child who fell into a swimming pool at a young age. Naturally they will be afraid of water. As for me I am afraid of things that do not change. Growing up I lived a life as the Nine Inch Nails quote, "Everyday is exactly the same." As anyone would probably like to guess I like to have structure. Thats not exactly true in my case. Anything that stays the same to me means that something has to be repeated. As we all know know I hate repeating something more than once. So I guess what I am trying to say is. I'm scared of waking up doing the same things over and over again. So you ask: What set you off this evening? Cleaning my room.

A lot of people don't like to clean, but they still do it. Yes it can become overwhelming and sometimes even stressful. Though for me cleaning my room isn't just that. To me I feel like I'm being punished. Because of my step mother I cleaned everything living with her. I was basically hired as the maid. I vacuumed floors, did everyones laundry, did the dishes, you name it I was probably the one who was responsible for doing it. So when I look at my own bedroom floor seeing that 80% of the mess is actually my boyfriends I start to get anxiety. I maybe got half way through until a Carls Jr. cups falls and spills all over the carpet. Living with my step mom she would have killed me. That is probably why I lost my mind. Actually I am pretty sure that is how I went from a panic to mental breakdown.

Now that you know why I act the way I do, maybe you wont go as far to say that I'm over reacting to nothing. Honestly people react to things a lot different than you would like to believe. I'm just one of those many reasons you should really take into consideration before you get upset or push me away.

VogueXTC