So here I stand, or rather sit where I usually do pondering my known existence into this world. A lot of people look at me in two separate categories. I'm usually really funny, outgoing, smart, and fun to be with. Rather than the other 50% of individuals who look at me and see a psychopathic, crazy, annoying person. I sometimes wonder how certain people get these outlooks. Quite honestly I don't really care how they look at me anymore. I realized a long time ago that I only needed myself and my own opinions to carry me through my day. So I guess you are wondering what todays subjects leads us to? The answer is:
∞
When I was younger I never really had a hard time grasping the concept of space. In fact I really liked learning about our planetary alignment and the general things they teach you in Elementary school. It didn't occur to me until a later age when they started to teach us there is more out there besides the Milky Way. In fact the Milky Way is just some small dot compared to the rest of space. In that moment I didn't like thinking there was more. In fact thinking of something going on forever boggles my mind. It puts me in such a vulnerable state that I feel like a three year old again. When most people think of space they think stars and the darkness. When I start to think about space I think mostly of darkness moving forth to being a white room. That white room has nothing in it, which is enough to drive anyone crazy. Sometimes thinking about space makes me feel like David After The Dentist. IS THIS REAL LIFE?
So alongside with space I have another thing that makes my head explode and that is constant repetition. It's not that it annoys me as much as it makes my head spin due to loosing sense of reality. Often I wonder if I'm losing myself. Maybe so far far that I will wake up in a padded room in a restraint bed. Repetition to me is like a broken record, and sometimes I wonder if that broken record will stop skipping for just two seconds to play a familiar melody to ease my mind. It doesn't matter in what form it is in as well. It could be so simple as in telling me to do something over and over again. Even something more complicated as in a white room with no sound.
After analyzing myself to such degree I wonder if I'm honestly insane. I mean if you think about it, the definition of insane is to repeat the same behavior repetitively expecting a different outcome. It kinda sounds like how my life plays out. The same senario over and over again, even though I hope that changing the X will come out with a different Y. It only makes common sense to me. I've learned though that this isn't true. I say this cause X is always the same, and it never did change.
So now that I have probably made your mind explode going into my thoughts I thought we would move on to what has make me crack this evening. Simple things can bring back past experiences. Imagine a child who fell into a swimming pool at a young age. Naturally they will be afraid of water. As for me I am afraid of things that do not change. Growing up I lived a life as the Nine Inch Nails quote, "Everyday is exactly the same." As anyone would probably like to guess I like to have structure. Thats not exactly true in my case. Anything that stays the same to me means that something has to be repeated. As we all know know I hate repeating something more than once. So I guess what I am trying to say is. I'm scared of waking up doing the same things over and over again. So you ask: What set you off this evening? Cleaning my room.
A lot of people don't like to clean, but they still do it. Yes it can become overwhelming and sometimes even stressful. Though for me cleaning my room isn't just that. To me I feel like I'm being punished. Because of my step mother I cleaned everything living with her. I was basically hired as the maid. I vacuumed floors, did everyones laundry, did the dishes, you name it I was probably the one who was responsible for doing it. So when I look at my own bedroom floor seeing that 80% of the mess is actually my boyfriends I start to get anxiety. I maybe got half way through until a Carls Jr. cups falls and spills all over the carpet. Living with my step mom she would have killed me. That is probably why I lost my mind. Actually I am pretty sure that is how I went from a panic to mental breakdown.
Now that you know why I act the way I do, maybe you wont go as far to say that I'm over reacting to nothing. Honestly people react to things a lot different than you would like to believe. I'm just one of those many reasons you should really take into consideration before you get upset or push me away.
VogueXTC
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