Intervention

Hello internet, whats up? Today I want to talk about something very important at the moment. I hope my friends and what not do read this one. This will probably be one of the most down to earth blogs I will write and not only that... This blog is my way to let at least a little of my emotion be put out. Call me dramatic if you must, but please, please listen to me for once. I've been begging for days. A lot of the time I feel like a insect with light around you. I should stay away cause you may end up killing me, your definitely bad for my health. Though I am intrigued and I cannot stop hurting myself to get to something so good. Does that made sense?

I have never really been happy in my life. I can honestly say now, I've never really been happy. I regret almost everything I do. There has only been a couple times in my life where I have been this low to the point I'm crying ever few minutes or so... One was living with my father, I don't want to get into detail with that. Second was my car accident which fucked me up completely... I did hit my head pretty hard on the drivers side window during impact.

Anyway this is todays blog, thanks to my supportive friends for putting up with me and my stupid blog.

Today was a pretty normal day to start off with except I woke up feeling like I had been run over by an 18 wheeler. My body didn't want to move a muscle, let alone get out of bed to go to school. Everyday this activity has become harder and harder to do. I barely get rest and when I do I wake up feeling like shit, mostly cause I was dreaming of him again. Anyway I woke up and went to school until one where I came home, ate food, and immediately went to bed. This is where I had played F.E.A.R for an hour or so. After doing that I took a nice long shower.

This shower I have to say took about 45 minutes. Then after that I went right back to bed. I have no motivation to even dress myself. I have to say it took me 4 hours to get ready. This includes makeup, hair, and clothes. As you can imagine that is amazingly ridiculous... I finally did get those things done though, got in my car and drove out to Magna. Which honestly is only a 30 minute drive or less.

I met up with Dana at the Magna library where she helped me find Chris's house. Which he was so happy to see me bearing the gift of a new keyboard. I have to say his typing was nearly impossible to read it was really bugging me. So, I helped him set up his new keyboard and what not until I finally dropped Dana and Chris off at Dana's house. Where I continued on my own adventure...

This is where things start to get really complicated.

I started driving down to see Mikey who lives in Downtown Salt Lake. I figured what would it hurt to see other people. It may actually help me forget about him. So, that is just what I did... I went and saw Mikey. Now he is a pretty cool guy. He's good looking and funny, he has it all. He and I loaded up the hookah and smoked for a bit. Things were going well until he started to kiss me. Then the thoughts of him started pouring back into my head. All those: memories that shouldn't even exist... They all came crashing down. I felt so bad for Mikey because he seems like he really likes me. It's just the thoughts of Tony running though my mind with him is not a good thing. All of a sudden I'm realizing that I shouldn't be there. My body basically just shut down and every move he tried to make after that ended with me pushing him away and telling him to stop.

This reminds me of Tony so much... I thought maybe this is what it was like for Tony. Then I realize again that my heart is broken. I do not say that cause he broke up with me. I could have continued being his friend. It's just the immaturity of blocking me on every account he has open, ignoring me texts of apologizes, then posting how he has met this amazing girl that he has spent all day with. Then thinking I used to be her. It's just retarded, I want this to stop, but I don't know what to do except to blow my brains out. That WOULD make the thoughts stop.

In all honestly I wish there was something I could do about this, but there isn't. My heart breaks knowing that he dislikes me so much that he has to run away from me. As Dave has said to me before: Do not disappear that is taking things the easy way out. Well Dave if I disappeared would this hurt as much as it does now?

Anyway I finally left Mikey's house and decided to go to Dana's to pick them up and go to McDonald's where I basically told them everything about todays blog. It's nice to know that I have such great friends though that do listen to me and make me laugh when I need it. (This is said honestly with no sarcasm). You guys are truly great and I'm happy to call you guys my friends.

I finally pulled into Dana's driveway when I broke down. Well I broke down laughing and crying hysterically in McDonald's, but I finally had a BREAKDOWN. I discussed my feelings on what is going on and how I wish Tony could just forgive me, so we can stop fighting, and just start off fresh. No I do not mean: Let's get together again (because I'm not sure I could.) Basically I just want him to come back and be a friend. I don't see this happening for awhile though. He's cut me off from all communication. Though I hope we can have a conversation to just clear things up. I'm almost convinced all of this is one big misunderstanding. He just wont give me the time of day to help him understand.

Well that was pretty much my day. I fell into some deep depression for reasons I don't understand, I'm numb and have shut down completely. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading this retarded post and dealing with it. You are the bomb internet people!

VogueXTC