Sixteen Candles

So just to kick today off I thought I would just start off where I was about 10 minutes ago, before I rolled out of bed to write this blog. Let me tell you though I am really tired and hope I don't pass out as I write this. But, I want to talk today about something that has been on my mind on and off since I was sixteen years old. I mentioned in an early post that my childhood wasn't the best I could have asked for, but I had one. Which brings me to why I have rolled out of bed to explain my current thoughts. So let the breakdown of my thoughts begin...

Ten Minutes Ago...

Upstairs there is a family, which consists of a mom, dad, and two sons. I wont mention their names cause I don't honestly feel that their names are important in the case of stating my emotions and opinions. Though the oldest son is celebrating his birthday today. It dawns on me on a random basis that my childhood is gone. Sometimes I feel jealousy toward other younger children, especially the ones smiling and having the times of their life. Now I don't assume their life is perfect or is better than mine. I do assume though being that they are clean, they look healthy and they are carrying a couple bags of clothes and a Build-a-Bear. Well I assume that their house is pretty normal.

I am now nineteen if you don't know this already. In a couple of months I will be twenty, and to me that means I'm an adult. I never considered myself an adult when I was eighteen as most do, because I still had the teen at the end of my number. This all changes in February, and to me I will officially be an adult. I find this fact to be a shock being as I always thought I was Peter Pan. "I'm never going to grow up!"

I had a psychologist tell me once that I was very mature for my age, and I once told her how I feel right now when I was seventeen. She looked me in the eyes and told me that most people don't realize this feeling until they are in their late twenties to thirties. I guess realizing something at such a young age is a good thing. Yes I get depressed by it, but I know I am still young enough to be a child again. Which goes to another topic...

Earlier Today...

Vanessa and I decide to go to Lagoon. For me it's pretty exciting cause I haven't really left the house that often since my car accident. Lagoon for me is a fun place and it brings me back to when my mom took me when I was younger. Lagoon isn't the best park in the world, it doesn't have some of the best rides in the country. Though what is doesn't lack is history, in both ways for the park and for the individual. Almost anyone who was born and raised in Utah has been there and has great memories there. I know I have a lot with my mom, but who wouldn't with a mom as awesome as mine. (Love ya mom!)

Anyway, I've made this new rule that when I go to Lagoon I have to ride the kiddie rides. Yeah I'm one of those people where parents stare at me weird and sometimes get upset cause their kid had to wait one person longer for the Dino-Drop. I guess I'm just trying to rewind time, make sure that I can hopefully fill in the blank memories of my childhood. So yeah, I rode Puff The Magic Dragon, Dino-Drop, Jumping Dragon, and maybe a couple other rides.

Honestly people it all comes down to living your life. You can be that parent who looks at me angry, or you can be that parent who looks at me and laughs. I'm sure there are even some of those people who look at me and wish they had the enthusiasm and just all around good spirt to do the things I do. Life is about two things: Making mistakes and learning from them, and having a little bit of fun every now and then. Who cares what people think of you. As I see it I don't know them, I don't care what is running through their mind. I have MY LIFE, and I can choose how I want to live it.

So I just want to thank Vanessa for being another one of those people who don't really care and just live it to the fullest. Without her there, or really anyone that was THAT close to me, I would have probably looked more like a psycho. With her it allows people to consider that maybe I am sane cause she is behaving in the same ways. Also to my mom, because without her I wouldn't be here today. She has helped me with a lot of tough stuff since I moved back to Utah, I'm sure without her love and support I would be hiding under a rock still.

VogueXTC

Infinity and Beyond

So here I stand, or rather sit where I usually do pondering my known existence into this world. A lot of people look at me in two separate categories. I'm usually really funny, outgoing, smart, and fun to be with. Rather than the other 50% of individuals who look at me and see a psychopathic, crazy, annoying person. I sometimes wonder how certain people get these outlooks. Quite honestly I don't really care how they look at me anymore. I realized a long time ago that I only needed myself and my own opinions to carry me through my day. So I guess you are wondering what todays subjects leads us to? The answer is:

∞

When I was younger I never really had a hard time grasping the concept of space. In fact I really liked learning about our planetary alignment and the general things they teach you in Elementary school. It didn't occur to me until a later age when they started to teach us there is more out there besides the Milky Way. In fact the Milky Way is just some small dot compared to the rest of space. In that moment I didn't like thinking there was more. In fact thinking of something going on forever boggles my mind. It puts me in such a vulnerable state that I feel like a three year old again. When most people think of space they think stars and the darkness. When I start to think about space I think mostly of darkness moving forth to being a white room. That white room has nothing in it, which is enough to drive anyone crazy. Sometimes thinking about space makes me feel like David After The Dentist. IS THIS REAL LIFE?

So alongside with space I have another thing that makes my head explode and that is constant repetition. It's not that it annoys me as much as it makes my head spin due to loosing sense of reality. Often I wonder if I'm losing myself. Maybe so far far that I will wake up in a padded room in a restraint bed. Repetition to me is like a broken record, and sometimes I wonder if that broken record will stop skipping for just two seconds to play a familiar melody to ease my mind. It doesn't matter in what form it is in as well. It could be so simple as in telling me to do something over and over again. Even something more complicated as in a white room with no sound.

After analyzing myself to such degree I wonder if I'm honestly insane. I mean if you think about it, the definition of insane is to repeat the same behavior repetitively expecting a different outcome. It kinda sounds like how my life plays out. The same senario over and over again, even though I hope that changing the X will come out with a different Y. It only makes common sense to me. I've learned though that this isn't true. I say this cause X is always the same, and it never did change.

So now that I have probably made your mind explode going into my thoughts I thought we would move on to what has make me crack this evening. Simple things can bring back past experiences. Imagine a child who fell into a swimming pool at a young age. Naturally they will be afraid of water. As for me I am afraid of things that do not change. Growing up I lived a life as the Nine Inch Nails quote, "Everyday is exactly the same." As anyone would probably like to guess I like to have structure. Thats not exactly true in my case. Anything that stays the same to me means that something has to be repeated. As we all know know I hate repeating something more than once. So I guess what I am trying to say is. I'm scared of waking up doing the same things over and over again. So you ask: What set you off this evening? Cleaning my room.

A lot of people don't like to clean, but they still do it. Yes it can become overwhelming and sometimes even stressful. Though for me cleaning my room isn't just that. To me I feel like I'm being punished. Because of my step mother I cleaned everything living with her. I was basically hired as the maid. I vacuumed floors, did everyones laundry, did the dishes, you name it I was probably the one who was responsible for doing it. So when I look at my own bedroom floor seeing that 80% of the mess is actually my boyfriends I start to get anxiety. I maybe got half way through until a Carls Jr. cups falls and spills all over the carpet. Living with my step mom she would have killed me. That is probably why I lost my mind. Actually I am pretty sure that is how I went from a panic to mental breakdown.

Now that you know why I act the way I do, maybe you wont go as far to say that I'm over reacting to nothing. Honestly people react to things a lot different than you would like to believe. I'm just one of those many reasons you should really take into consideration before you get upset or push me away.

VogueXTC

So I Got Kidnapped By Zombies...

Oh wow where to begin? I mean do I even remember how to do this? Well lets see: I used to start off saying something completely off topic. Oddly enough today is one of those days where nothing comes to mind. I'd like to blame it on the lack of air conditioning in my room, but that would be making excuses. So instead I'd like to start off saying I indeed got kidnapped by a bunch of zombies and that is why I have been absent on the blogging. I kinda figured no one really reads it anyway so why would I continue to post bullshit about my life that unfortunately no one really gives a rat ass about? Though today being one of the circumstances where I figure, 'Hey lets do something that is somewhat constructive.' Well something was born, or was it?

Anyway yesterday was the 3rd Annual Zombie Walk in Salt Lake and anyone who tries to tell me otherwise I will seriously not care and ignore your stupid ass. I may also mention that yesterday was annoy me with your unwanted drama and then tell me to text you. In which I am sorry, but I don't want to text you because I felt like shooting you with a shotgun. Not to mention you were dressed as a zombie, but you were one of the most annoying zombies I have every met in my life and you absolutely drove me crazy. Regardless of anyones feelings, but your own. Because you're 16 and your boyfriend broke up with you does not mean the end of the world. Trust me I learned the very very hard way. I'm sure most of you reading this know EXACTLY what I am talking about.

Moving forward, being as when we finally got to Downtown Salt Lake. We had to park at Coffee Break and walk to City Hall. With only 10 minutes to spare because we needed to buy cigarettes? Seriously!? I'm so glad I stopped smoking! By the time we got down to City Hall we were late and I have to walk like a zombie very slowly to the front to look for Cesar, because I absolutely love that kid and I wouldn't miss him being in Salt Lake for the world. Though I do have to say I finally met up with him. Not only did I see him, but I saw Dana and Marcus. People who I haven't really seen since my shitty mental breakdown (noted above). So glad I finally put my big girl pants on, and now I don't have to worry about my blood circulation being cut off and causing me to be an annoying little shit.

After all of this I took some pictures of my cousin Nessa who no offense is not an easy person to photograph and I had to a ton of photo shopping on her. She is one of the most time consuming models I have really worked on, granted I haven't worked on any other models but a few. I did get some shots that will be posted at the end on this blog.

Well I'm not even sure how I used to end these sort of things, but I'll just say I had an average day yesterday minus the 16 year old drama queen with her EX drama king boyfriend.

VogueXTC

Drag Me By The Chokechain

Hello Internet, so today is going to be a short blog just explaining the suffocation series. As most of my friends know I draw little concept drawings of thoughts that seem to come from my subconscious. What goes on in my subconscious is actually quite interesting. I would say if you like to mix gruesome with beauty, or if you enjoy making a photo look beautiful, but placing a dark story behind it... Well then you have come to the right artist. That is what most of my work is about. Anyway enough with the background on how this all came to be, lets get down to the concept of Suffocation.

Above is the concept drawing of Suffocation. The Original is floating around somewhere. I gave it to Tony two weeks ago, so I honestly can say it's whereabouts are unknown. So all I have is a blurry photograph of the illustration. Anyway, in the picture is a young girl with pearls wrapped around her neck as she is literally hanging herself. As I stated above my subconscious is a beautiful but twisted place. I remember when I was drawing this I was having a hard time dealing with all the stress in my life. Literally I could not breathe. So I'm guessing that is the reasoning behind that drawing.

Above are the results from reproducing Suffocation. I have to say these turned out a lot better then I though they would. I'm very proud of my work, being as it's evolved so much yet I haven't really changed a thing.

Thanks to my friends and family for supporting me. Hopefully I will see you soon my little internet people!

VogueXTC

Fuck The What?! KANGAROO LIGHTS?

Hello Internet... it's been a couple days hasn't it? Well I'd have to say a little longer than a couple days, but who cares right? Eh who even knows anymore. So as you are wondering with the Title. Well that is a long story to be explained below in the dark depths of what I call my blog. If my blog were a location it would be a very sinister basement with everything around you slightly disturbing for reasons you don't know. Then you will hear that poor kitten, it will be scared. Scared like a kitten from Soviet Russia. Where in Soviet Russia, kitten scares you. Oh hell... I'm rambling on again. I guess this can be somewhat beneficial to me right now. Eh I'll take my risks...

So today was pretty normal except for the fact, just there I forgot how to spell normal and who ever said vision quests were normal. Basically I got some Salvia and went to town with Vogue the Second. I swear I took 30 hits of it... I pretty much mutilated the bag... There is a fourth of an ounce left... Anyway I remember getting to my fifteenth hit and thinking...

NOW HERE IS THE PART YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!

Snow White sitting in her cottage... She's standing at the windowsill while loading a bowl of whatever and all of a sudden these singing animals just come up to her and they are all singing. It was so happy. I mean I was by a window, and that is when it hit me that I wished I was Snow White and all the animals would come help me load my bowl of Salvia as we sat back and sang songs.

So as this is going on I am trying to convince Lex that it's not effecting me and continue to do more hits. Keep in mind I am standing up when all of a sudden I just start talking about how cool it would be if Tony and Marcus were glowsticking and something about Kangaroos. Like Tony had kangaroo lights and Honestly it made no fucking sense. That subject soon changed to how the smoke was a bunch of pixels turning to vapor. Then how I wished that I could see unicorns running across the rainbow and at the end would be the Power Rangers. Honestly I was really messed up.

After taking my final hit I was escorted home where I felt like I had cinder block shoes on. Then I proceeded to get in the car when I put on Concord Dawn - Morning Light. Right while we are driving down the freeway. Lol it was so funny cause the bass dropped and I started to scream and claim I was riding a roller coaster. After riding my so called roller coaster I then proceeded to say that I was a tree, and that if I was a real tree I would enjoy it. Something about how trees live a long time and I could listen to dub step while my roots grew in the soil. I guess what I'm trying to say is I had a good vision quest. Being a tree and all. Also it was overall a good trip I should really say.

Well I added a new YouTube video. Which I will post here:

Well I know this isn't what most of you wanted to read about, but I thought it was funny and it kept me pretty damn entertained for awhile. See you soon my internet friends!

VogueXTC

Two Blue Crabs

Hello fellow internet people. As you probably have been wondering: Where have I been. Well of recent my life hasn't been that exciting... Mostly full of unwanted drama that I can't really help. It follows me like a bunch of creepy pedophiles. That probably wasn't the best comparison. Goes to prove I've been reading too much two blue crabs. Other than the slight drama and amazingness of every day ending in me smacking my face on another glowstick. I've been actually pretty good. HARD TO BELIEVE HUH! Well fuck you. I kid the person reading this.

Anyway, not even sure as to why I am posting on here being as nothing exciting has happened in my life except for this lovely photo that I found on two blue crabs:

I love it cause it is so WTF and so LAWL all at the same time. It's amazing what the small stupid shit in life can do to make you forget about people that are complete douche bags to you for no reason at all. Like those stupid girls at school I swear. Honestly... I don't get how they can say they didn't steal when you were sitting their with them watching them do it. People are so right when they say cosmetologists are as stupid as rocks.

Off of that subject, I will hopefully be doing something exciting soon. I'm hoping to get bottlecaps this weekend. If anyone knows what those are kudos to you. Other than that I'm doing great, even though a mast majority of people would say I'm completely out of mind. How would they know, just like the rest of society to judge off of the outside display. What goes on inside is what you should really be fearing. For when it comes down to the full moon, the people that know me best know to scream: GTFO! GTFO! as they run in fear of their lives. Lol that is how I would like to see it at least.

Well that was todays blog thanks for taking the time to read a TRULY HAPPY BLOG.

Anonymous

I'M IN BFE!!!

Hello Internet, What the hell is going on here! No I'm serious, is it just cause the new moon is coming out that everyone is acting so off lately? I mean this week has been crazy. Apparently Marcus is mad at me for driving to West Wendover which sounds kinda stupid. Vanessa and I kinda just joked around about driving to Magna to go to Suicide Rock... I mean really guys, If I were to kill myself I would never jump. I'm deadly afraid of heights... You would have to push me off, and that would immediately mean you commit murder. Yay! So anyway... there is apparently something wrong with me. Again I have decided this and it's not everyone else. Why would everyone ignore me all of a sudden if it was them. I mean like everyone does this! lol I don't even know anymore.

So today will be a short blog as well. Basically I went to school and we all know how that goes. After school Vanessa came and picked me up. Basically she asked me where I wanted to go and I was like... Magna? Lets drive out to Magna. I don't know what caused me to want to do this, but I find it to be a relaxing drive. After following 3500 South until it ended... somewhat? We decided to turn left and head torward I-80. After thinking a bit she said lets go left... Let's go see the Great Salt Lake. Which turned into: Let's go to Tooele to see my friend. Which turned into: Let's go to Reno... as you can guess then ended with: Let's hit the border and head back.

So as we drove we called a bunch of people and told them about how we are going to Nevada. It was amazingly bamf. I have to say. It's a very windy and boring drive. Though I have to say at the same time is quite entertaining. Especially once you hit the Salt Flats. People write shit with the stones... and there are two random, real trees out there. If you read ParenthesisX's blog you will see the amazing Salt Flats Christmas Tree.

Anyway so we finally ended up at West Wendover, got gas, got food and drove back. Anything that happened after that is basically boring and nothing really happened. Thanks for reading.

VogueXTC

The only photo here that is edited was the photo of me. The only thing I did to the nature photos was add my watermark. So I hope you enjoy... or not.

I Like Your Shoes... Wanna Fuck?

Hello Internet, today I have to say was really boring. At the same time exciting in a way. It makes me wonder though... Are you really that bipolar, and even more so than me? Also, you may be wondering if you are reading this... Why did you block your blog? Well my grandma read it and bitched me out. I honestly feel like I can't do anything right around her. Anyway, I'm going to keep this introduction pretty short today.

Today was naturally pretty boring. I sat around with Vanessa then with Tamsen pretty much all day. I have to say I really love Tamsen. She may be young, but she is the awesome sauce of life. It was funny because she works at Golden Tan, and she got me a free birthday tan! Happy Un-Birthday to me! I have to say today was my first day tanning and I already think I am addicted. Though I am now burnt as hell and what not. It was way worth it. Then when Tamsen was getting ready to leave work she got her keys stuck in the door. It had to be one of the funniest things ever! I finally helped her lock up, but we swore we had to spend the night there.

After we left Golden Tan, We went back to Tamsen's house and kinda chilled there. Took some amazing photos of me being anorexic and ugly. lol new inside joke as well as I like your shoes... added by wanna fuck. Though we just say I like your shoes. If we go right into the wanna fuck part then things get complicated. So we keep it short and simple and hope you already know... Awright.

Well that was my day. Nothing truly exciting. Sorry that I had to make the blog private. I'm hoping this can be a temporary thing.

VogueXTC

I was trying to be an anorexic ugly bitch in these photos. Please let me know if I accomplished this:

Also, Tamsen and I laughed so hard when we were on my Myspace app. It was giving me a choice to delete Tony's Myspace Albums. O.O

Hanging By Some Strings Bitch...

Hello Internet, as I sit here trying to write this damn post I'm getting massacred with fucking twenty people talking to me. As of right now I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even know why I started talking to all these people, but now I'm really irritated just like earlier today. Moving on from that subject I've decided to make weekends two parters because I am really never home to write my blog on Saturday and it ends up being posted on Sunday. Which is very irritating as well. So onward noble steed!

April 17, 2010:

As all Saturdays I have to wake up and go to school, which in my opinion is way lame. I have explained this before. Though I did get to spend my lunch with a friend of mine named Sally. I have to say she is one of my favorite people there to talk to. I can share almost anything with her and she has an answer. Basically she just listens to me, I need more people like this in my life honestly.

Then I get a text from Dana asking me to take her to the costume shop and how it closes at six. My school doesn't end until five and I told Tony that he and I would hang out. This is a dilemma that will be discussed below. Anyway so I left school early, picked up Dana and Marcus and took them to the costume shop where they didn't even find what they needed. Told me to drive to Pib's where then Tony calls Dana and asks if they wanted to hang. It's just really stupid, cause he says to me that he is too tired to hang out then calls them. It's utter bullshit in my opinion. Anyway so we finally leave Pib's and Tony meets us at Dana's where then we go to some Japanese restaurant. It was actually quite funny. Though I don't really remember much of all that went down.

After going to eat, everyone but me decided to go to Walmart. I hate Walmart so I was just like: Fuck this shit I'm sitting in my car. For whatever reason though Tony wanted me to come. I honestly do not understand him lately. I need ANSWERS, FUCKING ANSWERS PLEASE! He sat with me for awhile and talked with me. He tells me the same shit over and over, then says we will finish this talk later. He told me that two weeks ago, that talk is still not finished. Though I'm getting to the point where I ask myself why should we even talk. He see's right though me, he reads me like a book. I'm just to the point where I give up. Anyway the basic concept of this is he said: We will get coffee tomorrow, just you and me. We will finish our talk then.

So after everyone went to Walmart, we met back up at Dana's where both Tony and I lost our keys. It must have been exciting to watch us walk around aimlessly looking for our keys. Tony had to go home, I just wanted to go pick up some lights so I could get good at freehand glowsticking. It kinda made me mad that he blamed me for stealing his keys though. I told Marcus that if I found my keys that I would probably hide them until I found mine, but in all honestly if he asked for them I would have given him his keys. We did eventually find our keys, and I got my lights. lol Dana rode on my car not in it. It was pretty bamf, I'm not going to lie.

Other than that I passed out, and woke up to Rugrats and fucking Marcus staring at me... it was scary. So that was Saturday for ya.

April 18, 2010:

Today was an okay day. I woke up at 6:39 to have Tony text me morning. He hasn't done this in a long while. I think the last time he did this is when we were together. In all it's again very confusing and really threw me off guard. He's really good at this, just saying.

So I finally woke up around one, sat around for a bit, woke Dana and Marcus up at three. Asked Tony if he still wanted to get coffee and his answer was probably not. Which we all know that means no. Though I do feel bad that his dad is in the hospital. I really do wish his family the best of luck, because I'm crazy and I care about people THAT much. Idk, but Dana went out to eat with her family and left Marcus and I at the house. Where Marcus calls Tony and says, "Lets hang breh" and Tony is all like: Yeah. So I picked up Tony and took them both to Coffee Garden. Where I bought Tony the coffee I said I would. We all just kinda sat around and talked until Tony saw Hilary. Lol I felt so bad for her when he got her number. I honestly do not feel bad for what I said. In all honesty I wish there was a girl when Tony came into my life to tell me it's a trap. Life would be so much easier for me right now.

Then I took Marcus and Tony to Liberty Park where they had the drum circle. I have to say it was pretty fun for the short while I was there with Tony. I saw Devin whom I have not seen in a month. I was totally psyched to see him. So we all kinda just hung out when all of a sudden Tony says to me: Hey I'm riding back with these guys. To me that was a big FUCK YOU to the face. I buy him coffee, and he basically slaps me in the face. In my opinion I'm a dumbass. I'm that dog that gets fucking kicked in the teeth everyday, but I keep coming back for more in hopes that my owner will treat me with respect. lol what was I thinking. Oh and my friends reading this, you can tell me to get over it and tell me to stfu all you want, but this is how I feel on the situation and it's not going to change unless he keeps up with his word or I get so fucking angry and just leave.

Anyway after Tony said that I immediately told Marcus that we were going and that's just what we did. I left and took Marcus home, packed my shit and called up Lex. Where then Lex and I drove right back down to Liberty Park and hung out with even more people I haven't seen in a month. These people are: Alex, Bubbles, Casey, Ryan, and ETC. I was soooo happy to see these guys. I missed them a lot, but don't really see them anymore cause of most of the group not liking me so much.

Anyway after that I came home, where once again I lay here posting my blog. Thanks again for reading.

VogueXTC

Zombie Apocalypse

Hi Internet, apparently this man on my iTunes gets it poppin. lol This is all after downloading a 30 minute mix of Excision and Datsik. I have to say this is my new favorite thing to do. I don't listen to it cause I like it. I mean I really do like Gabber and Dubstep, but it's a lot more entertaining to play this shit really loud in parking lots and watch people walk past you all pissed off and shit. I don't know how many times today I was asked to turn my music down cause it was bothering someone. In my opinion they didn't have to listen, but I go to school with a ton of annoying girls that complain too much. Well that is what they do best right? Woman complain, thats all they are really good for. lol For a woman I'm a pretty sexist bitch. Well onto my short blog for today.

I went to school as normal and took a test. I have to say for not even being there for half of the chapter 95% is an amazing score. I'm just saying, after the test though I did some school work. I got five out of ten cornrows done, which compared to what I normally do that is pretty good. I'm honestly surprised that I'm not still sitting there being as how freaking slow I am at everything.

After school Vanessa came and picked me up where we got coffee, and Cafe Rio. We went down to a coffee shop called the coffee garden and they aren't actually too bad. Coffee is pretty cheap and it's very artsy I really like it there. Then we went to Cafe Rio and ordered some food. Nothing really exciting here, though on the way back to Sandy we had a discussion. I had talked to her about how I knew that Tony was pregnant the whole time... though it had to be Marcus's kid cause between them and their gay ass bromance came me. I'm the cross between the two of them I swear! Even Vanessa claims this to be utterly true.

Well also while driving back Vanessa told me how she is getting shooting classes so she can protect herself from the Zombie Apocalypse. For me I have to definitely facepalm this idea. First off I am sick of people saying I am crazy. I unfortunately do not believe in zombies, or the zombie apocalypse. That my friend is crazy, and most of my moms side I guess believe that zombies are real. I'm thinking what a fucking joke, am I the only normal one here. I sat with my mom explaining to her that zombies are not real. She is convinced that the old voodoo burial rituals make zombies. I have myself researched this topic and that is not how it is done. People back in the day would get really sick and be mistaken for dead people, so when they would bury them, they buried them with a special potion or what not that when these people woke up from a deep sleep that they would push themselves out of their graves and walk around in a stupor. I am embarrassed to have such family at times.

After hanging with Vanessa I kinda just went home. I haven't been really myself lately and I was really tired. So those who complain that there is way to much to already, I'm sure you are loving these short blogs. Anyway thanks for reading my blog and before I say night: I have bruises from yesterday and I blame you Marcus! You should have just let me seen your strings mister!

VogueXTC

You and Me Could Write A Rad Bromance...

Hello Internet, and your in for a treat today. Just kidding! Did I get you hopes up? I hope not. So as we all know I start off my blog with something random and off subject, but at the same time ties into shit? I don't know your defiantly asking the wrong person here. Anyway, out of all days I realized that I am really lonely. This is kinda how I felt back in January. I was like fuck this shit! I'm going to go do something with my life! Let me tell you that is never a good idea. I do shit with my life and I am back to square one. Well more like negative square six, but hey who would even know about that except me. I mean I'm the Queen of horrible things gone wrong in this motherfucker! Anyone who knows me well enough can tell you. That nothing literally goes right in my life EVER! Anyway enough with my pointless ranting. I mean "I have one of those blogs that no one reads" right? lol That's what someone said today...

So I'm going to let you guess what I did this morning. What's that? Why yes I went to school, but I got my hair colored again. It really needed it desperately. So why not, though I did have everyone around me telling me to shave my head bald on one side and I'm like: No thanks. lol I was really trying to grow it out, but as Vanessa has said. I pulled a Britney Spears... I did cut all my hair off cause I was really depressed and had no idea what was going on. Guess what internet: it was all a misunderstanding! What did I tell you, I called it.

After school I kinda chilled at home for a bit. I really needed to touch up the blue in my hair. What really bothers me is when everyone says my blue is green. They are all like: Hey I really like your green streak. Is it real? I get offended by this as to my hair is BLUE! Get it straight people, learn your colors or just simply stop being so color blind all the time.

I eventually left the house to adventure with Vanessa. I picked her up at work and just decided to go to Greenhouse Coffee. We ordered Emma's with muffins. Let me tell you it was amazing! I'm sure some people are super jealous. You all know who you are. Then we met up with Marcus, Dana, and Tony at Apollo Burger. This is the first time I have seen Tony since we went to Greenhouse and what not. Which brings up another subject soon to be talked about below.

We eventually went back to Dana's where she took pictures of herself in cosplay. We all just kinda chilled, nothing ever really exciting. Though I did get to pull Tony aside and talk to him for a bit. As I said above: Everything turned out to be a whole misunderstanding. I guess he never did block me on MSN, and really wasn't ignoring me. Wow I feel like a douche for getting all upset for nothing. lol I truly thought I lost a friend and he was pulling a Griffin on me. Thumbs up for over reacting! Not really. To everyone that witnessed that over reaction. I'm sorry. lol I'll learn to keep my pants on this time. Anyway one thing that did bother me was the fact that my grandma has once again invaded my privacy and called Tony. I really do not appreciate her doing this, because she does this so often. It just upsets me that she has to do this. She complains that I do not talk to her, but yet she doesn't talk to me. How can I talk to someone that goes through my things and invades my privacy. I don't know I'm just saying...

I eventually took Vanessa back to her car and met up with Dana, because Marcus was too busy having a bromance with Tony. I'm utterly jealous of this bromance they have. I told Marcus though that our love will be stronger and I will win his love by buying him more. lol He's still convinced that our bromance doesn't exist cause I have boobies. Screw the boobs! Our love is real! lol I am really just kidding, but honestly Marcus if you are reading this... I am truly jealous.

When Marcus got back with Tony I ran outside to see Marcus and keep him from going inside. Which was lame that he still got in. So while waiting for him to come back out I stood around with Tony and watched him freehand. He's amazing at it. One day I will be that good... I don't know another thing I'm utterly jealous about. It's odd though I've been having a lot of flashbacks, especially around Tony. I'm guessing it had a lot to do with maybe how he sent me through a bad trip or something. I cannot really explain it, though I can say I do not like flashing back. It makes all these stupid memories and shit black me out. There are times I'll be driving and it's almost like I'm back in that memory. Like I black out literally for a couple seconds and all I see is that memory. Not the road, which is kinda important. Though Marcus finally came out and joined in with his stringing. Then Dana came out took some pictures and what not while I wrote a poem. Which I will post below. Though I can honestly say I have never felt so lonely in life until tonight. I have a lot to think about because I'm dumb as Marcus would say... Then laugh... Who's laughing now bitch! Just kidding.

I came home a bit early today which is okay. I really do not mind in fact I'm thinking about playing some video games when I am done doing this. I bought Final Fantasy XIII and haven't even really played it. I mean Devan has played more than I have and he doesn't even own a playstation, which is really sad.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day. I'll see how my night goes, hopefully I can get to sleep. Who knows though. Thanks for reading! Also tell me what you think about this poem posted below.

VogueXTC

Tainted Souls

Cover your eyes young one,

the darkness is too bright.

Now sleep my young one,

as I carry you to the light.

Awaken your body,

shut down your soul.

Awaken your eyes,

go to sleep as a whole.

I shield you from destruction,

for the world is not full of bliss.

It's not as innocent as you think,

and when it's gone it's you I miss.

So child close your eyes,

forget about your tainted past.

Darling please shade your eyes,

Because nothing ever lasts.

Also before I forget. Tony bit me and it really hurt... Here is the proof to his assault on me... He did say sorry, kiss it better, then give me a hug... so I guess it's okay.

R.I.P Jeff (My Hair)

Hello internet, please do not get upset with me about yesterdays post. I know it sucked, I was in a horrible mood and really in no position to be talking about my god awful life. Like how I creepily stalk people. I kid about stalking your house, but really... I'm watching you. lol Thanks for all that really do put up with me. You guys are amazing!

So this morning was a little ruff for me. Especially since last night wasn't such a good night for me at all. Based off of my utter dislike for life and all living things, whatever. You basically get the point that I am a misanthrope and I hate humanity. In other words I woke up got dressed and went to school. I didn't even eat that is how much of a bad mood I was in. Anyways, school was alright, I chopped all my hair off. If that is good in anyway...

After going to school I went to my moms house to pick her up and go to dinner. Her and I go to Shanghai Cafe here in Salt Lake City occasionally. I have to say I really like going there. It was a great place to go when I was a vegetarian. Only because they serve really amazing vegetarian food there. So my mom and I went there and decided to go to Liberty park after. It's sad to say I don't really remember much about going there. I just remember the name and the river fountain thing they have there. It was nice walking around and having my mom tell me about the things her and I used to do there when i was younger. Very refreshing I have to say.

After seeing my mom I went over to Lex's for a bit to smoke some hookah. Nothing really interesting happened there. Though when I was done there I did meet up with Marcus for a bit. He and I just talked about shit. I think it's awesome that he finds me amusing. A lot of people find me to be obnoxious, but not him. I don't know it's a bromance thing. lol I'm still trying to convince him that our bromance is the real thing. Anyway I didn't say very long before I had to go home. Thus again I am there now writing.

Again thanks for reading, below is a new photo for my portfolio.

VogueXTC

Intervention

Hello internet, whats up? Today I want to talk about something very important at the moment. I hope my friends and what not do read this one. This will probably be one of the most down to earth blogs I will write and not only that... This blog is my way to let at least a little of my emotion be put out. Call me dramatic if you must, but please, please listen to me for once. I've been begging for days. A lot of the time I feel like a insect with light around you. I should stay away cause you may end up killing me, your definitely bad for my health. Though I am intrigued and I cannot stop hurting myself to get to something so good. Does that made sense?

I have never really been happy in my life. I can honestly say now, I've never really been happy. I regret almost everything I do. There has only been a couple times in my life where I have been this low to the point I'm crying ever few minutes or so... One was living with my father, I don't want to get into detail with that. Second was my car accident which fucked me up completely... I did hit my head pretty hard on the drivers side window during impact.

Anyway this is todays blog, thanks to my supportive friends for putting up with me and my stupid blog.

Today was a pretty normal day to start off with except I woke up feeling like I had been run over by an 18 wheeler. My body didn't want to move a muscle, let alone get out of bed to go to school. Everyday this activity has become harder and harder to do. I barely get rest and when I do I wake up feeling like shit, mostly cause I was dreaming of him again. Anyway I woke up and went to school until one where I came home, ate food, and immediately went to bed. This is where I had played F.E.A.R for an hour or so. After doing that I took a nice long shower.

This shower I have to say took about 45 minutes. Then after that I went right back to bed. I have no motivation to even dress myself. I have to say it took me 4 hours to get ready. This includes makeup, hair, and clothes. As you can imagine that is amazingly ridiculous... I finally did get those things done though, got in my car and drove out to Magna. Which honestly is only a 30 minute drive or less.

I met up with Dana at the Magna library where she helped me find Chris's house. Which he was so happy to see me bearing the gift of a new keyboard. I have to say his typing was nearly impossible to read it was really bugging me. So, I helped him set up his new keyboard and what not until I finally dropped Dana and Chris off at Dana's house. Where I continued on my own adventure...

This is where things start to get really complicated.

I started driving down to see Mikey who lives in Downtown Salt Lake. I figured what would it hurt to see other people. It may actually help me forget about him. So, that is just what I did... I went and saw Mikey. Now he is a pretty cool guy. He's good looking and funny, he has it all. He and I loaded up the hookah and smoked for a bit. Things were going well until he started to kiss me. Then the thoughts of him started pouring back into my head. All those: memories that shouldn't even exist... They all came crashing down. I felt so bad for Mikey because he seems like he really likes me. It's just the thoughts of Tony running though my mind with him is not a good thing. All of a sudden I'm realizing that I shouldn't be there. My body basically just shut down and every move he tried to make after that ended with me pushing him away and telling him to stop.

This reminds me of Tony so much... I thought maybe this is what it was like for Tony. Then I realize again that my heart is broken. I do not say that cause he broke up with me. I could have continued being his friend. It's just the immaturity of blocking me on every account he has open, ignoring me texts of apologizes, then posting how he has met this amazing girl that he has spent all day with. Then thinking I used to be her. It's just retarded, I want this to stop, but I don't know what to do except to blow my brains out. That WOULD make the thoughts stop.

In all honestly I wish there was something I could do about this, but there isn't. My heart breaks knowing that he dislikes me so much that he has to run away from me. As Dave has said to me before: Do not disappear that is taking things the easy way out. Well Dave if I disappeared would this hurt as much as it does now?

Anyway I finally left Mikey's house and decided to go to Dana's to pick them up and go to McDonald's where I basically told them everything about todays blog. It's nice to know that I have such great friends though that do listen to me and make me laugh when I need it. (This is said honestly with no sarcasm). You guys are truly great and I'm happy to call you guys my friends.

I finally pulled into Dana's driveway when I broke down. Well I broke down laughing and crying hysterically in McDonald's, but I finally had a BREAKDOWN. I discussed my feelings on what is going on and how I wish Tony could just forgive me, so we can stop fighting, and just start off fresh. No I do not mean: Let's get together again (because I'm not sure I could.) Basically I just want him to come back and be a friend. I don't see this happening for awhile though. He's cut me off from all communication. Though I hope we can have a conversation to just clear things up. I'm almost convinced all of this is one big misunderstanding. He just wont give me the time of day to help him understand.

Well that was pretty much my day. I fell into some deep depression for reasons I don't understand, I'm numb and have shut down completely. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading this retarded post and dealing with it. You are the bomb internet people!

VogueXTC

Epic Music To The Death...

Hello internet, yet again. Today will be a two parter because partially I am really lazy. Not only that, but I don't feel good. In fact I feel like shit, and not worth anyones time. Theres these times in my life when I realize that I have fucked up the worst way possible. It's seems like it's been one of those days for 2 months. If you have ever had something that made you happy in your life you will know what I am talking about. Remember having your favorite T-shirt, but you wore it so much that it eventually became unwearable? lol then your mom throws it away and it's kinda gone forever? Then you buy another shirt, but it's never the same as the first one. Yeah that's exactly how I feel today. I feel like I've lost a part of me somewhere down the road. For the last few weeks I regret entirely. Now that my introduction is complete and was not as funny as normally lets start with April 11, 2010.

Today I woke up at Dana's, had quite the interesting night. I fell asleep watching War of the Worlds and woke up with the memories of odd dreams. I wont go into complete detail on my dream, but basically I had a dream that I was in Seattle with Dana and Marcus. It was just us there and things were going fine until my world just became a huge storm. There was just a huge fucking hurricane and there wasn't really anywhere to go. I was outside and alone. I have no idea where everyone went. So while looking for shelter I had started to walk down some steps. That's where I saw Tony. Also where I had woke up at 8 in the morning with amazing inspiration to write. Anyway, I haven't really slept well in a couple of days.

After getting up I was kidnapped by Dave. He took to me to McDonalds and we just sat and talked for awhile. It's always nice to talk to him, I believe he is the only one to really understand me. After that we went to his Uncles house for awhile while he worked on his car. They were basically making sure it was safe to drive to Virginia in. Which brings up another subject as of Dave is leaving to go to Virginia. I'm happy for him, but I really will miss him a ton. He's the closest friend I have, and when he is gone I don't know who I'm going to turn to anymore. Though we do have fun times, like when he turns on FFVII music and I have no idea where it's from. IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR! WHAT VIDEO GAME COULD HAVE SUCH EPIC MUSIC! lol I guessed freaking Lion King (facepalm).

Eventually Dave took me home so I could pick up my car and go back out to Dana's. Which she wasn't even there. I ended up driving to Greenhouse Coffee here in Salt Lake. It was so funny when I got there though. She was like, "I missed you!" and we just went on how we missed each other after not seeing each other for maybe 3 - 4 hours? It was funny though. Tony was there and I didn't really talk to him much. He's gotten very distant from me lately. More on that in a bit... Anyway we played Indian Poker. I was so bamf at that game I have to say. After that I walked off on my own to buy some cigarettes. I've been smoking more lately, I'm just so stressed and upset. In other words I'm distressed. I CAN BE SAVED NAO? Well, by the time I got back they were leaving so I got in my car and started driving as fast as I could. When we got to a stop light though Dana ran out and got in my car. It was so funny, I was like : that is not awkward at all! Greenhouse was fun though.

We went back to Dana's where we all just kinda sat around doing our own thing for awhile. Until Tony left... and God when he did it got boring as hell. We joked around about how we should invite someone over and that would fix everything. So I was like hey let's call Alice! That's exactly what Dana did too. I don't know, we all tend to do weird shit when we are together.

The rest of the night was pretty boring. I played drawing wars with Marcus for a bit, then we watched Dana play some video games. For whatever reason Dana left to go on a walk. I guess she wasn't feeling very good and what not. While she was gone Marcus and I watched some TV and while flipping though channels we saw the end of this commercial where these guys were playing golf. Though the one guy was bending over and yells, "WRONG HOLE"... God did we laugh so hard. Well after watching TV for awhile I passed out on the couch and that's pretty much my night...

So for April 12, 2010...

Today I woke back up at Dana's this morning. For whatever reason I've had a hard time finding my keys. Though her Dad needed to move his car. Out of all times why did today have to be a day I couldn't find my stupid car keys. I finally did find them and move my car, but it took me an hour because I am blind as hell! I finally got those guys to wake up though, I told them there was coffee. Works every time, we didn't go get coffee because they wanted Apollo Burger instead. I have to say that was pretty good even though I couldn't finish the whole thing.

After that we picked up Dana's friend Felisha and went to the park to take some pictures. I will have to post those soon. Whenever Dana posts them... I should be saying. Anyway there really wasn't much adventures there. After going to the park we went back to Dana's and just kinda chilled and talked. Enjoyed each others company. Which I had to say was pretty relaxing.

After awhile I started to get really upset. There has been a lot of things on my mind of lately and it's really bringing me down. All I can say is I fuck everything up, I mean everything! So I went and loaded my hookah, and Marcus came out with me to smoke. It was a good time I have to say. We basically just goofed off with good music and blew hookah smoke into and onto shit. lol we even did that *wink wink* hookah trick... lol it was so funny. I'm sorry, but you have to be there to really get it.

After that we all went on a driving adventure, got some ice cream and drove to take Felisha home. All that happens after this is pretty much boring so I will sum it up really quick. I took Dana and Marcus home, packed up my shit really quick. Drove home and cleaned my room. To where I am now writing this blog once again. Sorry I missed out on yesterdays post, but it's all covered here...

Well I'm going to get back to downloading F.E.A.R. YAY! Below is my new poem Motionless check it out. If you like it please comment.

VogueXTC

Motionless

Her body pressed close to the cold ground below.

While under sheets of guilt she had sewn before.

Tangled in regret, twisted in her own lies.

Laying motionless with tears in her eyes.

Her brittle body breaks as you exhale to speak.

Your words like daggers, like eggshells below her feet.

Drag her by the chokechain, and giggle while you do.

For once in your miserable life, you may follow through.

Poison me once more with your intoxicated kiss.

Though the story never ends, unless with an unexpected twist.

She still lay motionless, the blood spread unto the floor.

Though you still pull her close, just begging for her once more.